Pretender of Oz
by Madame Estrella
Summary: What happens when Miss Parker mixes a Strange Brew, post Road Trip


Category: Parody  
  
Rating: PG-13 Spoilers: Up to Road Trip Summary: What happens when you mix a strange brew. Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters and am just playing around with them.  
  
"This movie was shot in 3-B! 3 Beers and it looks good, eh?" -Bob, Strange Brew  
Pretender of Oz By Madame Estrella  
  
Miss Parker sat at her desk and rubbed her temples with her index fingers. She had finally gotten back to the Centre after the wild goose chase Jarod had sent them on which had begun and ended at the foot of a scarecrow in Kansas.  
  
She looked at the note Jarod had left them.  
  
"There's no place like home. Everyone deserves one. So why don't you leave me alone and let me find mine."  
  
As if they could allow that! She shook her head and pressed the tips of her fingers against her forehead.  
  
Her five-o clock migraine had just come on and she knew just the thing to wash down her medicine with. She deftly pulled the bottle of scotch out of the drawer and took a long haul.  
  
As she set the bottle down, her head began spinning and her head hit the desk with a crack.  
  
?????  
  
She woke and found herself lying on the floor of a wooden shed. "Where am I and what the hell am I doing here?" She mumbled.  
  
She spotted the basket sitting on the floor next to it and rose to a sitting position. She peered inside and found her pet rabbit within. She stroked it as she looked around and found the door.  
  
She stood and picked up the basket before shoving the shed door open and the light flooded in from outside. She winced at the brightness. She exited the shed and looked about.  
  
She was in a Technicolor dream world. She looked down and found she was wearing a blue and white checkered dress. She made a look of disgust and felt her hair to find it was woven into two braids.  
  
"Oh, this is hell." She said in a resigned tone.  
  
She shook her head confused and heard a moaning come from behind her. She turned to see two legs sticking out from under the shed wearing red ruby heels.  
  
Miss Parker bent and touched one of the shoes, which magically relocated themselves to her own feet with a small "poof." The feet they had previously occupied curled up and pulled under the shed. Miss Parker shook her head and turned to see the approaching crowd of noticeably short folk led by her father.  
  
"Angel!" Mr. Parker called with open arms. She ran to him.  
  
"Daddy!" She cried. "What is this place?"  
  
"Oz, my dear." He said. She looked about at the dwarves and then back at her father confusedly. He frowned at the shed.  
  
"I see you've dropped a house on my Brigitte." He said shaking his head. She laughed and took a step back. He glared at her.  
  
"She was a witch but I loved her!" Mr. Parker grunted. She made a sad face.  
  
"I'm sorry daddy, but I didn't..." She began and he cut her off.  
  
"Never mind that, Angel. You're in those shoes now and you have to go and find the Wizard fellow now."  
  
"Daddy?"  
  
"Don't daddy me, Angel. Maybe you can get the Wizard to help you find Jarod."  
  
There was a huge explosion of smoke and Raines stepped away from it, coughing and waving at the smoke with his hands. He stepped forward, his oxygen tank making a horrific squealing noise.  
  
"You killed Brigitte!" Raines exclaimed. Mr. Parker waved his hand at Raines.  
  
"I've already been over that with her. Go Angel." Mr. Parker smiled. She frowned at him.  
  
"Go where?" She asked. Sydney stepped out from behind a tree.  
  
"Follow the yellow brick road, of course." Sydney smiled. She whirled around to face him.  
  
"Sydney? Have you been here the whole time?" She asked angrily.  
  
"Haven't I always?" Sydney smiled. He took her arm and led her to the center of a spiral.  
  
"Now, Miss Parker, you must follow the yellow brick road to get to the Emerald City. There you'll find the Wizard and he'll help you catch Jarod." She looked at her feet.  
  
"What about the red brick road?" She asked.  
  
"Oh, you don't want to go there!" Sydney exclaimed. "That path leads to madness."  
  
"It'll be a shorter trip." She mused. Sydney handed her a Pez dispenser and she took it.  
  
"Good luck." Sydney said. She nodded and began walking down the road, cursing the ruby red heels with every step. Sydney and Mr. Parker both waved and Raines stared at her ominously as she passed them.  
  
"I don't like this, what if something goes wrong?" Raines hissed. Mr. Parker eyed him warily.  
  
"What could possibly go wrong?" He said. "How hard is it for a person to follow a single path?"  
  
"Have you seen it done yet?" Raines growled.  
  
?????  
  
Miss Parker walked through a field, popping a Pez into her mouth and looking about. A man hanging on a signpost caught her eye. She walked up to him.  
  
"Angelo?" She asked. "What the hell are you doing here?" He looked at her confused.  
  
"Angelo trying to get to secret documents floor and came here instead." He replied. He climbed down the post and walked over to her. "Angelo gets lost a lot. Would be better if Angelo..." She sighed and cut him off.  
  
"If you only had a brain." She said. Come on; mush head and if you start singing I swear to God that I'll shoot you."  
  
She looked at the basket in her hands and then at Angelo.  
  
"Here, take this." She said handing him her burden.  
  
?????  
  
They walked down the path for a ways until the field gave way to a forest. They heard strange thumping sounds coming from up ahead, and soon after came to a man angrily swinging an axe at a stump. He looked up at them and brushed his hair back and glared at them menacingly.  
  
"Kyle!" Miss Parker gasped. "I thought you were dead!"  
  
"Yeah, you'd be dead too if you didn't have a heart!" He growled tossing the ax aside. "What are you doing here? Are you dead too?"  
  
"No, I'm trying to find the Wizard." She replied, realizing how ridiculous the words sounded and saw he didn't think it was funny.  
  
"This isn't Oz, sweetheart. This is Hell!" He yelled. "Everywhere I turn and I find singing munchkins and flying monkeys! Even the Centre wasn't this bad! I just want to destroy it all!"  
  
"Well, maybe if you come with me to see the Wizard he'll let you destroy something." She replied. He considered this for a moment.  
  
"I don't need the Wizard! I decide who lives or dies!" He finally shouted.  
  
"Well, do you think you can help me get there?" She asked.  
  
"Just follow the yellow brick road." He said. "Only a complete moron could screw that up!" She glared at him icily.  
  
"Look you stupid bastard! You don't have a heart and you're supposed to come with me. So get your ass moving!" She shouted. He stared at her for a moment and then grinned. He picked up the ax and walked over to the road.  
  
"You're really cute when you're angry." He said. "By the way, nice dress."  
  
"Shut up! You haven't seen me angry." She said he raised his ax. She waved her hand at him, he lowered the ax and the three of them began down the path.  
  
They all looked around when they heard music begin to play. Kyle raised the ax again.  
  
"I am not singing!" He shouted at the sky and the music stopped.  
  
They began walking and were stopped by a strange squealing sound. They looked about curiously and finally Raines came out from around the side of an old shed, wheezing badly.  
  
"What, are, you doing messing around with them, Miss Parker." He gasped.  
  
"Having a hard time keeping up, Raines?" She grinned raising an eyebrow.  
  
"I'm just concerned that you're getting distracted, Miss Parker. You should concentrate on finding the Wizard and catching Jarod, not messing around with them and their little problems." Raines wheezed.  
  
"Little problems?" Kyle growled. "I'll show you a problem!" He yelled and then ran at him with the ax.  
  
A terrified look came over Raines face and he dragged his oxygen tank as fast as he could back behind the shed. Kyle followed him. He came out from the other side moments later and looked around.  
  
"That old bastard can really move." Miss Parker said. Kyle shrugged his shoulders and rejoined them on the path.  
  
?????  
  
They continued down the path and entered a dense jungle area. At that point Miss Parker just started calling out at the surrounding trees.  
  
"Cowardly Lion, or whatever you are, get your ass out here!" She cried.  
  
There was a rustling in the bush beside them and Miss Parker reached in and pulled out their final companion by the arm.  
  
"Broots!" She exclaimed. "Why am I not surprised?" She said dropping his arm and wiping her hands. She began walking down the path and Broots turned to the other two.  
  
"Kyle, I thought you were dead!" Broots said.  
  
"Shut up!" Kyle shouted and pushed past Broots. Broots looked at Angelo they shrugged their shoulders and began following Miss Parker and Kyle.  
  
?????  
  
The foursome continued their journey through the dark jungle and came out into an open field. They walked along until something caught Miss Parker's eye.  
  
"This is a cemetery." She said in a low voice. She scanned the headstones until she saw a familiar one. She left the path and walked over to it and sat down.  
  
The other three all looked at each other and shook their heads and followed.  
  
"Daughter sad." Angelo said in a low voice. Kyle rolled his eyes and huffed.  
  
"Kyle impatient." Kyle said. "What the hell? Lets get moving."  
  
"I, uh, I think that's her mother's grave." Broots stammered. Kyle shook his head again.  
  
"Well, I'm trying to get out of mine so let's haul ass lady!" Kyle called.  
  
Miss Parker stood and glared at him icily.  
  
"Look, this is my show; I call the shots here!" She hissed.  
  
"Well, if we screw around here with a bunch of dead people then we'll never get to the Wizard." Kyle said.  
  
"H-he has a point." Broots said and then moved to stand behind Kyle.  
  
"It's not a bunch of dead people! That is my mother's grave and I intend to find out the secrets behind her death!" She yelled at them.  
  
"Maybe the Wizard can tell you the secrets." Angelo said thoughtfully.  
  
Miss Parker looked down at him sadly and nodded. Then she pointed at the Emerald City at the end of the vast cemetery.  
  
"Let's go boys!" She ordered and then started back on the path. The others looked at each other and then followed her.  
  
?????  
  
They reached the gates of the Emerald City and Miss Parker hammered on the door.  
  
"Let us in!" She yelled.  
  
A small peephole door opened and Miss Parker tried to peer inside but her view was obstructed by a mans face.  
  
"Ah, yeah, um. What do you want?" The face asked.  
  
"We're here to see the Wizard." Miss Parker said.  
  
"Um, I don't know, miss. Nobody sees the Great Oz. I haven't never seen him." The face replied.  
  
"Open the door or I'll have my friend here cut a hole through it." Miss Parker replied pointing at Kyle who held up his ax.  
  
The face in the door looked at them and then the peephole closed. Moments later the larger door opened and the badly dressed man attached to the face showed them in.  
  
"Hey, I'm Argyle." He said nervously. "Argyle. My parents called me that on account of a birthmark I have." The man said slapping the back of his right thigh. "You wanna see it?" He asked grinning nervously.  
  
"No, we want to see the damn Wizard!" Kyle said impatiently.  
  
"Uh, right this way. Right this way." Argyle said pointing and they followed him.  
  
As they turned a corner a smiling Sydney met them.  
  
"Sydney!" Broots cried running over to him. "Oh am I ever glad to see you! Are you the Wizard?"  
  
"No, he's a witch or warlock or whatever." Miss Parker snapped.  
  
"Psychiatrist." Sydney replied and he joined them in their walk down the long corridor.  
  
Argyle stopped in front of a door and looked at them.  
  
"Uh, I'll just go let him know you're here now." Argyle said nervously. "He's a busy guy that Wizard is, so I'll just be right back." He said disappearing through the door before any of them could protest.  
  
They all looked at each other and then started to study the decor. After what seemed like an eternity to them in their awkward silence, Argyle reemerged and looked at them sadly.  
  
"Aw, I'm real sorry, but the Wizard says you all have to go back." He replied.  
  
"What the hell!" Kyle yelled.  
  
Miss Parker grabbed Argyle by the collar and shoved him against the door.  
  
"Now you listen and listen well." She hissed. "I have walked forever through that stupid fantasy world out there to find this Wizard. Now you're going to march in there and let us see them or I'm going to twist off your head like a bottle cap." She snapped.  
  
"We could just use the ax." Kyle suggested.  
  
"This is too weird." Broots said. "I didn't think anything could be worse than that T-board."  
  
"Um, ah, all right." Argyle said. Miss Parker let him go and he opened the door and they all followed him into the dark room encircled in black curtains.  
  
A holographic face of an old man appeared. They all looked up at it and it down at them.  
  
"I am Oz, the Great and Powerful! Who are you?" A thunderous voice demanded. Broots held his ears and took a couple steps back.  
  
"I am Miss Parker!" Miss Parker yelled. "I'm here to find Jarod!"  
  
"Silence!" The face commanded.  
  
"Excuse me?" She said cocking her head.  
  
"The Great and Powerful Oz knows what you all want. The question is, what are you willing to do to get it?" The face replied.  
  
"Oh, you son of a bitch!" Miss Parker hissed. "If you even think I'm going to..."  
  
"Not that!" The voice boomed. "You must perform a small task. Bring me Raines oxygen tank."  
  
Miss Parker raised her eyebrows. "Is that it?" She asked. "With pleasure."  
  
"You want us to bring you his head too?" Kyle asked.  
  
"Just the oxygen tank, now go!"  
  
?????  
  
Raines looked though a large crystal ball and watched the foursome heading back through the woods toward the Centre.  
  
"I knew it!" He wheezed. "I knew she couldn't keep set on one path!"  
  
He turned to Lyle. "Go take care of them!"  
  
"Where did you get that thing?" Lyle asked pointing at the crystal ball.  
  
"Never mind, just go and stop them." Raines yelled. Lyle shrugged his shoulders and motioned for Willie and a couple other sweepers to follow him.  
  
?????  
  
"Got to keep the loonies on the path." Broots said to himself quietly. "You know, I just can't get Dark side of the Moon out of my head." Broots said looking about at the trees as they walked.  
  
"What?" Kyle said with a perplexed look.  
  
"It's a Pink Floyd album." Broots said excitedly. "It's really neat. You start a tape of the Wizard of Oz and the album Dark side of the Moon and they match up perfectly. It was the coolest thing I learned in school."  
  
"Yeah, it is pretty weird." Miss Parker snickered.  
  
"So is meeting you here, sis." Lyle smirked stepping out from behind a tree. They looked around and they were surrounded by sweepers who grabbed them all.  
  
"We're bringing her back with us." Lyle said to Willie who nodded and dragged the restrained and swearing Miss Parker with them and left the other sweepers to deal with the men.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" Miss Parker spat at Lyle.  
  
"We're taking you back for a little, reeducation." Lyle smirked at his sister. He looked her over and chuckled, beaming widely. "Nice dress."  
  
"Bunny scared." Angelo said stroking the rabbit as he looked after them forlornly.  
  
?????  
  
Kyle wiped his hands on his jeans and looked about at the sweepers lying on the ground about them. Broots and Angelo looked at him timidly and then at the subdued men.  
  
"Wow." Broots gasped in amazement.  
  
"Kyle angry." Angelo said.  
  
"Let's get moving." Kyle said and grabbed his ax and headed off down the path. The others took another look around at the sweepers and then decided to follow before Kyle became any more agitated.  
  
?????  
  
Miss Parker sat tied to the chair and laughed wildly at the scene that had played out in the crystal ball before them.  
  
Lyle folded his arms and gave her an annoyed look while Raines wheezed hard and looked very angry.  
  
"I, thought, you, killed that man!" Raines gasped and glared at Lyle. Lyle just shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Yeah, well you know people don't stay dead around here, Raines." Lyle replied.  
  
"From the mouth of the master himself." Miss Parker scoffed. Lyle smiled and looked toward the door.  
  
"Five, four, three, two, one." Lyle said.  
  
The door burst open and Kyle came in holding the ax and looked around. He saw Lyle and Raines and looked between the two of them.  
  
"I don't know which one of you I want to kill first!" Kyle said and laughed maniacally.  
  
"Him." Lyle said and pushed Raines forward and then ducked out a back door.  
  
Raines fell to the ground and looked up at Kyle pleadingly.  
  
"Please?" Raines begged. "Don't kill me, Kyle! I'm so sorry for everything that happened to you."  
  
"You mean what you did to me?" Kyle growled.  
  
Broots jolted into the room followed by Angelo and Broots quickly headed over to Miss Parker and began to untie her.  
  
"Oh, I'm going to enjoy this." Kyle said raising the ax over his head.  
  
"No!" Angelo cried. "I decide who lives or dies!" He said picking up a bottle of scotch and pouring it over Raines.  
  
Raines howled as the liquid hit him and steams rose from him as he melted away into non-existence. Kyle flashed a glare at Angelo and then chuckled.  
  
"I can't stay mad at that guy." He grinned and lowered the ax.  
  
"Well that was a waste of a good bottle of scotch!" Miss Parker said as she picked up the oxygen tank and they all headed out the door.  
  
?????  
  
They entered the Wizards chamber and looked about.  
  
"Hello, we brought the oxygen tank like you asked!" Miss Parker called impatiently. The face reappeared above them.  
  
"Good!" The voice replied. "With Raines out of the way, I have a few more things for you to do."  
  
"Oh screw this!" Miss Parker yelled and walked over to the curtain and yanked on it until the whole works fell to the floor. Jarod looked at them in surprise from his seat behind his laptop.  
  
"Jarod?" Broots said confused. "So there's no Wizard."  
  
"No, only this damn labrat sending us out on more boondoggles!" Miss Parker said, putting her hands on her hips.  
  
"Nice dress, Miss Parker." Jarod grinned.  
  
"Shut up! Are you going to finish this or what?" She snapped.  
  
Jarod stood up and walked over to Angelo and handed him a bag.  
  
"Here Angelo. I have improved the treatment that I tried on you earlier. This should reverse all the damage Raines did to you and restore your mental faculties." Jarod said. Angelo looked up at him beaming.  
  
"Thank you, Jarod." He said and he hugged Jarod.  
  
Jarod then walked over to Kyle and led him through a set of doors. Eight hours later Jarod emerged wearing surgical scrubs and smiling at the others.  
  
"I have transplanted a new heart into my brother." Jarod said and held open the door for the others to see Kyle giving them the thumbs up sign from his bed.  
  
"So what about him being dead, Wonderboy?" Miss Parker asked cynically.  
  
"This is Oz, Miss Parker." Jarod beamed.  
  
Jarod then walked over to Broots and handed him a gun. Broots looked at it and then at Jarod with a confused expression.  
  
"Uh, thanks, but I thought I was supposed to get courage." Broots replied.  
  
"Who needs courage when you have a gun?" Jarod smiled. "Right Miss Parker?" He said turning toward her. She rolled her eyes and shook her head at him.  
  
"Oh, and what about me?" Miss Parker asked sarcastically. "I get to stay here and become the new witch, right?"  
  
"Well, if that is what you want." Jarod grinned. "But I thought you wanted to go home."  
  
"Oh, are you going to take me there?" She asked. He stepped closer to her.  
  
"I could if you'd let me." He said looking her over. "Say, that's a nice dress you have on."  
  
"And I know where it would look better." Miss Parker said seductively.  
  
?????  
  
"Miss Parker?" Sydney asked cautiously.  
  
She groggily raised her head from her desk and rubbed it as eyed the old man warily.  
  
"What is it Syd?" She asked and then yawned.  
  
"It can wait." He replied. "Why don't you get some rest?"  
  
"Yeah." She smiled. "I'm going home."  
  
The End  
  
Feedback is Welcome!  
  
melvansickle@earthlink.net 


End file.
